Oh She Bad: Cougars

Yall young cats are gonna learn something in this post.

Sometimes you gotta wonder why young cats (I’m talking my age bracket here 21-25 perhaps?) fresh out of college still chase after these young girls (19-21) like we got midlife crisis. There is a much overlooked female archetype vying for YOUR attention my dude.

This is the cougar.

Nick Cannon enjoyin' that Cougar love

This woman is a 35+ (well for me at least haha) something who knows the game. She’s not necessarily looking to get a hubby. Nah, shes more concerned with catchin’ that young unsuspecting meat. That’s YOU doggy. In that case half the work is already taken care of. She knows whats good. The problem is that you probably don’t.

Now for those familiar with the cougar game don’t get it twisted. I’m not talkin about baggin’ females that are 50+. The highest you should go is mid 40’s, and that’s if she’s exceptionally bad PERIOD: not just for her age. In addition I’m talkin’ about baggin’ a cougar that takes care of herself. I’m not going to go into detail in the interest of time but it’s pretty much understood that no one wants to mess with sloppiness. Now lets get to where you can find a cougar.

At Work/In the Office

You think she's lookin at her laptop but she's checkin YOU out. Peripheral vision is a mug at work...

The cougar is quite discrete and unsuspecting. However she’ll drop some hints if she’s feelin’ you. Look forward to some looks, more cubicle visits than your used to, and stop n’ chats with said cougar  before, during, and after work hours. Or you could totally miss it and she’ll let you know whats good via post it notes, email, or she’ll just tell you to your face one day and it’ll BLOW YA MIIIIND (c) Snoop Dogg.

Oh she talkin' reports and quarterlies but she's thinkin' about how she's gonna do you.

Of course be smart when approaching the office cougar. Obviously it’s not wise to get with her AT WORK. Don’t go cry to me when yall get caught throopin’ in the copy room and you got a box waiting for you at your cubicle. Plus be mindful of fraternization rules. Have an affair, act like an adult for once (c) Gray Hova.*

At the club

In the club, Carmelo is waist deep in the cougar game.

Oh you’ll spot that cougar at a cluyb youngin’. This cougar pictured may be a lil’ unsavory but they come in mean in the latest tramp gear. They’ll have you lookin like, “Damn I know she’s old but I’d holla.” Thing is she already saw you lookin’ extra nervous and knows whats good. You’ll be quite self conscious as you approach this older woman but it’s all gravy. She prolly gets it in way better than any of these youngin’s in the club anyway. This is another reminder to STAY AWAY FROM SLOPPINESS. I don’t drink like that but a sip of that Grey Goose will have a skeeza lookin’ like Salma Hayek. Just be careful and remember; A glass of patron is gon’ make you wanna bone. Nobody wants to wake up next to some busted lookin’ broad.

Around your way

She'd rather take that young ass around the block and leave the bike at home.

I’m sure there are some cougars in your neighborhood. That nice white woman at the post office, that extra friendly Spanish lady at the corner bodega, your lady neighbor in 4A who rocks a “natural” and listens to boho trash, they’d all like to get with you. You’re the dumb one chasing after Stacy at Macy*s men’s department so you can get that discount knowing damn well she only got money for her phone bill and some lip gloss. Open up your age threshold son. You don’t know what you’re missing.

For instance, there was this nice hispanic woman at Rutgers that worked in the mail room. Brandon, Floyd, and Joe know who i’m talkin about already if they’re reading this haha. She was definite cougar material with some nice chimmies. Plus she stayed givin’ us the look. But we were young cats (well I was 19, yall were like 25 haha) so nobody pursued it. I graduated in May so it pains me to think of the possibilities of me n’ dat.

So yeah, get at some cougars yall. Preferably those that’ll cook, clean, and take care of your lazy ass. Those are the best and not that hard to find if you can lay it down. Now before I go, I’ll leave you with some pics of some famous cougars.

Vanessa Williams: Soul Food, Ugly Betty

LisaRaye: Player's Club, The Wood. I thank she purrrty (c) Slim

Demi Moore: GI Jane, Charlie's Angel's Full Throttle, Kelso is an OG in the cougar game.

Cougar Cubs (AKA Them CT’s: Cougar’s of Tomorrow)

Cameron Diaz

Technically she’s not a Cougar cub cause she bagged Justin Timberlake when he was like 19 or somethin’. She’s not THAT close to 40 so I guess the title fits?

Rosalyn Sanchez

Eva Mendes

I mean the sooner they get into the cougar game the better.

See, who says men don’t appreciate older women. Now go on and get that cougar to be your bussit babayyyy (c) Plies and Ne-Yo. Cue the music video.

*Even though it should be obvious that this whole post is a bad joke, I don’t encourage adultery haha.

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